UCSB is the best college. Ever.

Well ladies and gents, the blog is back and in full force. After returning from a bittersweet, unforgettable weekend in Santa Barb for fiesta I started reminiscing about how lucky I really was for four years. For this post, I have combined forces with Grandma Katzy, a fantastic blogger herself and future Stanford Graduate school slut, to discuss a topic close to our hearts: why UCSB rules and how other UC alumni wish they were us. Though many played a hand in this piece of bloggin’ gold, we’d like to dedicate it to a few gaucho rejects near and dear to us: My nugget little sister, Katzy's twin brosef, and everyone that went to Cal Poly.

First off, you SB haters brought this post upon yourselves. Though we’ve had some good times on your campuses, we can’t handle one more self-indulgent, pompous remark on how UCSB is “wayyy too much of a party school.” Furthermore, we’re sick and tired of the idiotic rationalization that, since you party “SoOOoo much” as it is, you would’ve “died” at UCSB. This is verbal vomit and we don’t appreciate it. Nonetheless, we’re sensible gals, and everyone knows that two wrongs make a right…right? So since you insist on sharing your opinions on SB whenever you get the chance, we’ve decided to put social graces aside and speak our minds about YOUR alma maters:

UC Berkeley: Get out of that Oak tree right now. Your 10-man naked protest ended 3 days ago.
UCLA: Just because you live near Hollywood doesn’t make you cool. We may not have known you in high school, but someone else did, and they know your secret: you were once AND STILL ARE a nerdy piece of shit.
UC San Diego: UCLA’s rejects. And everyone knows it.
UC Santa Cruz: Trees… too many FUCKING trees. Also, we’d like to challenge you to lay off any discussion of the reef for 2 minutes.
UC Irvine: Partying at Orange County's hottest shopping center, the Spectrum, with 5'5 Asian hotties is just not our cup of boba tea.
UC Davis: Let’s go cow-tipping. And no this is not a major rager with your so-called "hottest" sorority. And Picnic day, your most celebrated day of the year….Did I really just drive six hours for a typical Saturday in Isla Vista?
UC Riverside and Merced: So easy, so cheesy, but we can’t help ourselves…you’re UCs? We hope you got your entire tuition paid for to even consider going to either of these places.

We can predict your rebuttals already. As we’ve said, there’s the go-to “Isla Vista’s so crazy, how do you ever get any work done there?” We know, we know…. it seems nearly impossible to study when you look outside your right window and see the beach, or look out your front window and see a poppin' party. However, we're well rounded individuals and know how to work hard AND play hard.
And if you feel the need to be an even bigger bitch, you’ll point to the supposed high density of IV sluts and STDs. So let us not equivocate--we were no sluttier than you were (just better looking) and the amount of STDs on our campus is equal to the national university average. To see the actual numbers, look here

But if a UCSB grad is being honest, he or she knows where these stereotypes come from. So to those responsible, we’d like to issue a special note of thanks:

Thank you, Santa Barbara City College students, for roofying my sorority sisters, crowding the Starbucks line, cluttering IV with your strawberry scented Jettas, and leaving Adderall in your medicine cabinet so friends could steal it away. Further thanks, you wanna-be Gauchos, for inviting your Rastafarian van-living friends to every single festival and holiday celebrated in the town of Isla Vista. It was just fabulous biking to the library and having one of your friends nearly hit Katzy in the face with his puke before stumbling off a balcony. It was a further delight when you scoundrels went to my house, drank my fresh brews, changed my iPod playlists, and stole my house's Snoop and Pac poster straight off the wall. TWICE!!!!!

But in the interest of full disclosure, you SBCC kids weren’t all bad. Once you were actually admitted to UCSB, you lowered class curves and made us feel smart. In addition, your arrests mentioned in the Police Blotter in our daily newspaper gave us plenty of chuckles. Also, your muscles (usually peaking from under DISGUSTING cut-off tees), were nice to peep at from our Rec Cen ellipticals. So as much grief as you gave us, we kindaaa liked you guys and we’re glad you were there with us, living up the glory that is IV.

We’d like to conclude this post with two major take-aways: First, UCSB rules, and if the numbers are any indication, we have the most students that leave satisfied of any UC. According to US News America’s Best Colleges 2009, more UCSB alums donate to their university than any other UC (Berkeley, the runner-up, was a full 5% behind). Second, it’s obvious that every school includes its goofs, goons, bros, drunks, nerds, turds, and CC miscreants. The minute you accept this and quit being a pretentious sack of poop, we’ll return the favor. Until then, we’re graduates of a virtual island in higher education: The University of Casual Sex and Beer. Come love us.