LESS TALK, MORE ACTION.

There’s nothing better than one passionate night with a rando right? WRONG. Let’s be honest, one minute you are throwing back a few brewskies flirting with some cutie at a bar and the next you’re woken up from a blacked out slumber to a sneak attack from behind. How many times must you wonder to yourself, just when did things go wrong? I think any girl besides J Simps pre 98 Degrees can relate to this. For this blog I’d like to thank all my friends—sluts past and present for your contributions. Your sexual escapades continue to light up my life. Thanks for continuing to take the plunge—the one night stand plunge. Also, big thanks to the friends that enable me to make some awful decisions-- don’t worry, I'll keep giving you the go-ahead as well, ya dumb hoes. As regrettable as hooking up with an unidentified stranger may be, let’s be honest--bed time romps are some of the best stories we share. Today we revisit the bedrooms that highlight some of the WORST quotes uttered while in the heat of the moment. I’d also like to give a shout-out to these fine gentlemen for such choice words of wisdom.

Boy: “You’re on birth control right?” (Right as he enters, ready to raw-dog)

Boy: “Have you been thinking about me like this ALLLL Spring break?” (First bone sesh ever, sporadically spanking throughout)

Boy: “I think I’m so awkward because you have the same name as my sister, so can I call you something else.... like,‘THE SHIT’?” (THIS IS NOT A WORK OF FICTION.)

Boy: “So are you going to get naked or what? It’s going to be awkward in the morning when we wake up and I have a boner and you still have your clothes on.” (Needless to say, they didn’t hook up.)

Boy: “Sorry about last time. I thought you would think I’m gay for not having sex with you.”
Girl: “What?”
Boy: “Yea, I was afraid you would think I was gay.”
Girl: “No, no I heard that. I can’t believe you thought I was actually going to have sex with you.”

Boy: (In pump rhythm) “Now....that’s.....what....I......calll.....jealousy......” (Still has no idea what this is in regards to. No mutual friends or ties)

Boy: "Your tan lines are soOOooo sexy." (Then sinks his teeth into a mouthful of ass)

Boy: “Sorry it’s been a while. I imagined that being longer.” (After exploding onto her leg after 2.5 seconds.)

Boy: “HO-LY SHITTTTTT” (As he was pounding relentlessly and she was bored as fuck because he sucked.)

Boy: “You have the SEXIEST lips. And no, I don’t mean the ones on your face.” (Insta-regret)

Boy: “Oh my God, are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok? You can get me back by putting your finger in my butt hole if you want” (After an accidental quick slip into asshole)

Boy: "My friends and I always said the vagina reminds us of the predator" (Then proceeds to growl)

Boy: "Wait - I have a freckle" (Mid hook-up, pointing down to his pee-pee.)

Boy: “What’s up!!!” (After taking her shirt off and fist pounding each bare breast.)

Boy: "Are you crying? (While giving head with a cold. Yea fucker, you’re huge. NOT.)

Boy: “I’m not an ass or tits guy. I’m a vagina guy.” (Said VERY proudly while licking his lips.)

Boy: “You don’t have any STDs, do you?” (After 3 hours of penetration)

Boy: "I have always thought you were really attractive and I like you but it just sucks because we live so far apart." (Lives 30 minutes away)

Boy: "Every time I hear “Use Somebody” or “Everlong” it reminds me of exactly what I want to say to you every time we kiss.” (Ugly guy from work, second time making out. Calm the eff down)

Boy: “You’re going to be really hung over tomorrow aren’t you?” (Duh, I’m belligerent.)

Boy: "Would it be weird if I kissed you?" (Both naked in bed.)

Boy: “I have a silver truck” (Coming up for air while down south.)

Boy: “Have you ever had a guy go down on you?
Girl: “Yes.”
Boy: “Do you want me to?”
Girl: “That’s alright.” (While making out in a station wagon after school)

Boy: “You’re so beautiful naked, you could be a playboy model.”

Boy: “Please stare into my eyes. They put me in a trance.” (Asked, then BEGGED after sex.)

So the next time dawn breaks, and you find yourself in a similar sitch, don’t be so hard on yourself, hunnayy. (And men, when in doubt, just shut the fuck up.) Ladies, always remember that somewhere out there another homegirl has probably had it worse. And after all, if a one-night stand doesn’t build your character then NOTHING will.