GYM ETIQUETTE: THE DOs & DON'Ts

Today's post has been inspired by the young, the old, the fat, the
skinny, the meat heads, the models, the frat daddies, the anos, and the athletes who make my work out experience so unique. Why is my athletic training affected by such peculiar social groups you might ask? Because I like to visit the wonderful compounds of 24 hour fitness.

Let's be honest, my gym routine has been all over the map-- whether these visits be two-a-day workouts to nearly nonexistent.
They have however been a part of my life for over 10 years. Seems like only yesterday I was gifted the luxury item of a brand new sparkling 24 hour fitness ID card to hit up Laguna Hills' finest hot spot. Growing up in Orange County the place is almost a social mecca. Here you can let your wandering eye catch glimpses of the hottest football players to the tannest and skinniest of girls. When I first hit this athletic arena I had nothing but a mere mp3 player with popular 90s tunes-
my most played hit being Twista's Overnight Celebrity. (Coincidence? I think not.) Seems so cray but at the same time makes me feel OLD. It is here I have come with my pals, my yolked love interests, or by my lonesome, to sweat it out and get that rush of endorphines. Luhhhhh dat.

Which brings me to my point-- why is it that no one seems to have any gym etiquette? Tell me something people....is it so hard to respect your fellow gym patrons? We all pay the same $25 bucks a month to hit this shit hole. Let's show some common decency to each other and follow some important societal rules every gym member should obey.

1. TIME LIMITS 
Pardon me anorexic girl reading the Bon Appetit (you're fooling no one), do NOT try to cover up your EXCEEDED time on the treadmill when you see me approaching. If it is 6pm rush hour and the gym is packed do not think you are inclined to 15 minutes more than your fair share. This line for a treadmill is no joke. The 30 minute time limit is set up so we can all get a chance. Get off the damn machine and into the kitchen. Some of us actually have some running to do.

2. BODILY ODORS 
Big hairy fat man with the sweaty pits who of course has parked his butt next to me on the tread- ever heard of personal hygiene? Deodorant, deodorant, DEODORANT! I'm sorry but is it really so hard to spray a little axe on your bod before coming into this establishment? You know you are going to sweat up a storm, so why not do everyone a favor and spray a little mist.

Also, this goes along with dudes who fart. It's obviously you-- thank you for blinding me with your rank stench. This is a public place, can you not? News flash: a good scent can go a long way. I know you're in the gym trying to get laid- first step, hide your musk. No lady wants to smell what lurks beneath those two cheeks. A little deodorant and self control can go a long way- your body, my nose, and potential female prospects will thank you.

3. STOP AND CHATS 
I am a very social person. Don't get me wrong, I talk all day, every day. However, the gym is just not a place to converse. I don't come here to make new friends or build lasting relationships. I come here to WORK OUT. This specific example goes a long way with visiting my hometown 24 hour fitness- old acquaintances, do not approach me and attempt to catch up about the past 5 years that we have spent apart. We have not seen each other for a reason. A quick wave will suffice.

This goes for flirting as well. Men who try to pick up girls at the gym- DO NOT. If we are actually working out hard we are red, sweaty, and defeated. The last thing we need is an attractive muscular male trying to pick our brains and "get to know us". And to the numerous geriatric grandpas who have lectured me about saving myself for marriage, valiant efforts! That ship has sailed- now get out of my face.

4. DISRESPECTFUL OUTSIDE PASSERBYERS
True story-- last week I was on the treadmill with a big window facing onto the street. A pedestrian casually strolls by gripping his Haagen Dazs, locks eye contact, and moves his cone towards me with a devilish grin. Dude, I see your damn ice cream you fool, GREAT. Do not show me tantalizing treats while I am working my buns off. It is hard enough to not eat dessert at home-the last thing I need is to see that heavenly goodness in the middle of a hard workout. RUDE. This goes for other pedestrians on the street as well- stop staring at me and carry onwards. This isn't a free show. Thanks again.

5. PROPER APPAREL
Weird old guy in the jeans- this is the gym!! Are you seriously wearing denim to work out? How can you even be mobile in those things? Last time I checked denim is not a breathable fabric. If you can pay the membership fee you can also afford a cheap pair of faux adidas pants or some tapered hanes sweats. And to the girl wearing practically nothing- so glad I can see your lady parts. You really have left nothing to the imagination. That is just sick and I am trying to exercise in peace. Take that outfit to the strip clubs because that is honestly where you belong.

6. UNWANTED NUDITY
Why is it that the grossest people feel the need to strip down in the Locker Room? If you ever want to feel the best you can about your body- then go ahead and venture into a 24 hour fitness bathroom. The droopiest of boobs, hairiest of bushes, and cellulitiest of asses are exposed for your eyes to see. Someone please teach these people the value of quickly changing or better yet a good TOWEL CHANGE. I mean, glad you are the gym, but come on, cover up. Or better yet, save your strip tease for home.

Killing yourself at the gym may not be your fancy. You feel vulnerable sweating it out amongst a bunch of strangers staring at your jiggly butt in your Champion yoga pants. But this is actually an overlooked benefit of 24. Yes, peeps of 24 hour Fitness Santa Monica, I do see some of you more
often then some of my closest friends- it also does not imply I need to get to know you, or want to get to know you. It also doesn't mean I need to smell you, see your exposed private parts, or yell at you to get off my machine. Let us all respect each other and work out our bods together, but in peace!
Yay for endorphins, weight control, better health, sex and sleep. However please respect these simple requests and we can all work out happy!

A Few Things I'm Not Afraid to Admit

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I'm not afraid to admit that I got star struck when I met Monica Lewinsky. Shut up.... it’s not every day you get to meet a woman who got famous purely by sucking the President of the United States' ween.

Most importantly, I'll admit that I still think Lindsay Lohan will make a big comeback. I get it-- it's hard to rise above alcoholism, drugs, and a quick stint in lesbianism.... but my girl Linds will do it! LL is NOT gone for good. Mark.my.words. Everyone needs someone in their corner.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've never kissed a girl...and contrary to popular belief, I know I will NOT like it. For those of you who do this for male attention, I think you might have bigger issues......

I'm not afraid to admit I was once infatuated with a guy who had a girlfriend...so I had to settle and hook up with his less hot, not funny, best friend/roommate instead. Hey, sometimes you have to drive a Mazda before you can upgrade to a Benz OK? One day ill ride in that better whip alright?

I'm not afraid to admit that I judge people on their Ipod Selection. Music tells a lot about a person. Usually, how much I dislike them, don't want to spend time with them on the weekends, etc....

I'm not afraid to admit my main current news source is Twitter. Don’t judge me. With only 140 characters, headlines get straight to the point!

I'm not afraid to admit when I'm on the freeway and I see a shitty Tercel trying to cut me off, I speed up. When I see a Range Rover, I kindly break and let them go ahead. Class hierarchies are to be respected, even on the road!

I'm not afraid to admit that the only black peen I've ever seen was of a homeless man in the Tenderloin. And let me tell you my friends, it was indeed a.... tender...loin.

I'm not afraid to admit I hate tattoos. I've never seen one and thought "Oh my God that’s sooooo cute" or "wow that's meaningful, you definitely needed that to be permanently etched onto your body!!" Plus my mom told me if I ever got one I'd be written out of her will.
Money > tattoos.
FUN FACT: SOMEONE WITH TATTOOS MAKES LESS MONEY THAN PEOPLE WITHOUT. And I don't know about you, but I like money.

I'm not afraid to admit I have a lucky pair of pink lace hanky pankies. I don't know what it is about them but every time I wear them, I seem to hookup. On second thought.....maybe they are only lucky because I use them as an excuse to pounce on men when intoxicated.

I'm not afraid to admit that I think our first shuttle to Mars should be filled with homeless people. MARS, THE NEW AUSTRALIA.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've never hit below double-digits at the salad bar at Whole Foods. Just standing near the salad bar makes me feel healthier. What is weighing my salad down is between me and my friendly local hipster cashier.....ok?

I'm not afraid to admit I have the Bieber fever. Do not knock this current day phenomenon until you've seen the 3D movie or met the boy in person. With an outstanding work ethic, charming personality, and loyalty to his fans you should like him too. No one is immune.

I'm not afraid to admit if you're one of those guys who shows up at a party with your acoustic guitar to serenade the girls of the crowd, I'm not impressed. Good for you! Please leave your musical talents elsewhere, or better yet for some bonfire. Don't take them near me.

These are some of my inner thoughts- take them or leave them.

10 Ways to Spice Up This Year's Thanksgiving

   

1. Tell your entire extended family that the theme is the "First

Thanksgiving." When someone shows up dressed as a pilgrim and not
 an Indian accuse them of being a racist.

2. Turn this year's pot luck...into a "POT" luck. Not only will
everyone be hungry, they will be quieter which allows for less painful
discussion.

3. Pumpkin pie someone in the face. Preferably who will cry the most.

4. Start drinking games at the dinner table, ie: "Never Have I Ever". Find
out that your parents have done more scandalous things than you have
ever imagined doing yourself!

5. Lock all the bathroom doors. Make it a true thanksgiving like the
pilgrims had.

6. Casually bring up how the pilgrims mistreated the Indians by killing them and unlawfully taking their land. Refuse to eat as a statement.

7. Secretly put X lax into the dish you hate the most. Sit back and laugh while everyone runs to the nearest bathroom.

8. Start a food fight- however, establish a rule of only turkey legs allowed. Watch as everyone battles to the death.

9. Bring your resume and pass it out to all your relatives and friends. In this economy, every holiday is now a chance to network.

10. Sharpen every knife you have in the house before dinner in front of all guests (including Swiss and butter knives). Tell everyone its necessary in order to carve the turkey with precision.

No Money, Mo Problems

Every morning at 6am I roll over to the obnoxious noise of my alarm. How ridiculous is it that I have to wake up at this ungodly hour to go to work, especially after a 4 month vacation. Life is NOT FAIR. After wailing in exhaustion, I peer wearily at my right hand man-- no gal pals, don’t get excited, I am STILL not exclusively dating anyone--I am talking about my counterpart, my golden key to the outside world, my loyal sidekick, my friend that follows me everywhere……….my precious blackberry.

Every morning through blurred vision, I scan my mini-feed to get updated on all the interesting things that occurred since I went to bed, as well as any precious tweets that have been written.

If I am lucky, a friend has posted on my wall.

If I am fortunate, a friend has tagged me in FLATTERING photos.

If I have struck GOLD, I have been retweeted. But friends, that’s like reaching for the stars.

However, most mornings, not much has happened and no one has said anything funny OR interesting. Surprise, surprise! Instead, I roll out of a deep slumber only to be woken by SPAM. Yes, you all probably know it well…….

COUPONS, COUPONS, AND MORE COUPONS.

Buy this Chal….. Buy that. BUY ME, BUY ME, BUY ME!

Buy cheap laser hair removal for the possibility to have the smoothest legs imaginable.

Buy a coupon for a delicious Jewish deli—only a hop, skip and jump away from you at half the price.

Buy tickets to a Britney Spears Concert for TWENTY MEASLY DOLLARS?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! How can such great entertainment be priced at such an insignificant cost!?!?

And every morning I must read these coupons, be enticed, and delete them ALL. Don’t get me wrong—it’s not the barrage of emails that pisses me off, it’s the empty pockets that make these deals salt in my open wound. Why you ask? For now, my Wells Fargo Account will not permit it. Funemployment, though you were immensely fun while you lasted, you have drained me to the core…… and now, sadly, I can’t even afford luxury goods at decent prices. I don’t need deals, I need HANDOUTS.....cause you know what, I do really need that discounted $600 helicopter ride....

Homophones. Learn em or GET OUT

I would like to dive into one of the many pet peeves I have in life.... incorrect use of homophones. For those members of my audience that are less educated or state school alumni, let me assist all of your lives and provide participating parties with some new grammar and vocabulary knowledge. Which reminds of me of one of my favorite clichés, "you learn something new every day!"

A homophone is a word that is the same in sound but different in spelling and meaning. For instance: there, they're, their, to, two, too, your, you're. So yes this might be a lot for some of you to take in, but I will not give up now! I want to reach out to my eager classroom with some little examples. I think this short vocab lesson can and hopefully will benefit lots of peeps!

That drunk slut is lying passed out over THERE on the ground again.

Hurry your ass; THEY'RE closing the liquor store at 10 tonight!

Those guys have the right idea to get women, THEIR dog is too freaking cute!

Please notice the differentiation in SPELLING as well as USAGE.

Teach me how TO dougie, teach me, teach me, teach me how TO dougie.

I like my dudes single, my dicks in TWOS!

I personally love that hairy bitch over there TOO.

Pay attention to the different spelling/ meaning behind all of these EVERY DAY words. As creepy as this may sound, I catch glimpses of way too many MISSPELLED INCORRECT wall posts and picture comments every day on the good book. It infuriates me, as well as many of the educated friends I roll with. If you find yourself struggling and really can't spell or even second-guess your skills, I suggest Mozilla Firefox browser. It's so helpful it underlines misspelled words for all doofuses.

Hope this lesson wasn't too boring... I don't want to get any more livid at mistakes than I have to; c'mon homies spelling and using these words is child's play.

LESS TALK, MORE ACTION.

There’s nothing better than one passionate night with a rando right? WRONG. Let’s be honest, one minute you are throwing back a few brewskies flirting with some cutie at a bar and the next you’re woken up from a blacked out slumber to a sneak attack from behind. How many times must you wonder to yourself, just when did things go wrong? I think any girl besides J Simps pre 98 Degrees can relate to this. For this blog I’d like to thank all my friends—sluts past and present for your contributions. Your sexual escapades continue to light up my life. Thanks for continuing to take the plunge—the one night stand plunge. Also, big thanks to the friends that enable me to make some awful decisions-- don’t worry, I'll keep giving you the go-ahead as well, ya dumb hoes. As regrettable as hooking up with an unidentified stranger may be, let’s be honest--bed time romps are some of the best stories we share. Today we revisit the bedrooms that highlight some of the WORST quotes uttered while in the heat of the moment. I’d also like to give a shout-out to these fine gentlemen for such choice words of wisdom.

Boy: “You’re on birth control right?” (Right as he enters, ready to raw-dog)

Boy: “Have you been thinking about me like this ALLLL Spring break?” (First bone sesh ever, sporadically spanking throughout)

Boy: “I think I’m so awkward because you have the same name as my sister, so can I call you something else.... like,‘THE SHIT’?” (THIS IS NOT A WORK OF FICTION.)

Boy: “So are you going to get naked or what? It’s going to be awkward in the morning when we wake up and I have a boner and you still have your clothes on.” (Needless to say, they didn’t hook up.)

Boy: “Sorry about last time. I thought you would think I’m gay for not having sex with you.”
Girl: “What?”
Boy: “Yea, I was afraid you would think I was gay.”
Girl: “No, no I heard that. I can’t believe you thought I was actually going to have sex with you.”

Boy: (In pump rhythm) “Now....that’s.....what....I......calll.....jealousy......” (Still has no idea what this is in regards to. No mutual friends or ties)

Boy: "Your tan lines are soOOooo sexy." (Then sinks his teeth into a mouthful of ass)

Boy: “Sorry it’s been a while. I imagined that being longer.” (After exploding onto her leg after 2.5 seconds.)

Boy: “HO-LY SHITTTTTT” (As he was pounding relentlessly and she was bored as fuck because he sucked.)

Boy: “You have the SEXIEST lips. And no, I don’t mean the ones on your face.” (Insta-regret)

Boy: “Oh my God, are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok? You can get me back by putting your finger in my butt hole if you want” (After an accidental quick slip into asshole)

Boy: "My friends and I always said the vagina reminds us of the predator" (Then proceeds to growl)

Boy: "Wait - I have a freckle" (Mid hook-up, pointing down to his pee-pee.)

Boy: “What’s up!!!” (After taking her shirt off and fist pounding each bare breast.)

Boy: "Are you crying? (While giving head with a cold. Yea fucker, you’re huge. NOT.)

Boy: “I’m not an ass or tits guy. I’m a vagina guy.” (Said VERY proudly while licking his lips.)

Boy: “You don’t have any STDs, do you?” (After 3 hours of penetration)

Boy: "I have always thought you were really attractive and I like you but it just sucks because we live so far apart." (Lives 30 minutes away)

Boy: "Every time I hear “Use Somebody” or “Everlong” it reminds me of exactly what I want to say to you every time we kiss.” (Ugly guy from work, second time making out. Calm the eff down)

Boy: “You’re going to be really hung over tomorrow aren’t you?” (Duh, I’m belligerent.)

Boy: "Would it be weird if I kissed you?" (Both naked in bed.)

Boy: “I have a silver truck” (Coming up for air while down south.)

Boy: “Have you ever had a guy go down on you?
Girl: “Yes.”
Boy: “Do you want me to?”
Girl: “That’s alright.” (While making out in a station wagon after school)

Boy: “You’re so beautiful naked, you could be a playboy model.”

Boy: “Please stare into my eyes. They put me in a trance.” (Asked, then BEGGED after sex.)

So the next time dawn breaks, and you find yourself in a similar sitch, don’t be so hard on yourself, hunnayy. (And men, when in doubt, just shut the fuck up.) Ladies, always remember that somewhere out there another homegirl has probably had it worse. And after all, if a one-night stand doesn’t build your character then NOTHING will.

The New Rules of Facebook

I still remember the day like it was yesterday--the day my UCSB email account was officially activated and the next culminating step was logging onto the good book-- finally a chance to meet my future college homies. If anyone can remember back to 2005, this site was all about exclusivity- a website set up for COLLEGE networking only. This site gave us freshies the necessary tools to find that girl who sat in the front of every Econ lecture taking copious notes. Or even better, a chance to laugh at who your roommate sucked face with the night before.

Sadly, the wall has since been torn down and facebook is open to the masses. This phenomenon has lost its elitism only to spread across the entire world-- Congratulations everyone, facebook is available to everyone you've ever known and is now officially ANNOYING. (Reminds me of that scene in Caddy shack where all the non-country club members invade the pool). Why does every aunt, uncle, second cousin, tranny, 3rd grade teacher, soccer coach, and freak I have ever tutored or babysat in my past suddenly have a freaking page? Maybe here the better question is why do these fools feel compelled to seek me out and friend me? And then after accepting these annoyances, I'm bombarded with their ugly mugs and irritating opinions which remind me exactly why we don't speak anymore. With each random friend request, I wonder to myself just why Mark Zuckerberg opened the flood gates.

Which brings me to my point--As long as facebook is open to any and all boneheads, I think it's about time we set up some regulations for bad facebook behavior. I don't mean racy pics or foul language, I mean general idiocy. So, if you are indeed guilty of anything on the list below, consider yourself blocked on my newsfeed.

Offense #1: Daily Activity Statuses.
Explain something to me people, what makes you think anyone cares about your most trivial activities when every other human partakes in them daily? Anything along the lines of "Gym, class, work, laundry, sleep, meals, etc" is NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY and does not warrant broadcasting. I doubt even your own mother cares that you are "folding 2 months of laundry" or "in class alllllll day." The very nature of fb is narcissistic enough, but you kooks take it to a whole other level. If you must write about each detail of your day, take it where you're supposed to, for instance a private diary.

Offense #2: Declarations of love to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/hubby/baby-mama/whatever
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love and romance. However, most statuses involving your other half are the cheesiest posts I have read to date. For example, not exaggerations or lies, straight for your viewing pleasure:
"I love my Stefffy Weffy"
"Scary weather! So glad I've got my hubs around today so I can cuddle with him during the rainstorm!"
"I am the luckiest girl in the world. My boyfriend is sooooo much better than yours!"

Some may call this pessimistic and rude on my part to mock a couple's relationship. In all sincerity, if you were that much in love and into your sweetheart you wouldn't need to include everyone on fb in your relationship. Maybe next time you could make your love more meaningful by sending him a heart felt text for his eyes only. On a related note, changing your last name before your actual wedding ceremony has taken place is beyond creepy. I don't mean to rain on your nuptial parade, but changing your relationship status to "engaged" will suffice and will spare the rest of us an eye roll. Thanks again.

Offense #3: Best friends who spend 24 hours a day together (on fb) and use wall-to-wall as their only form of communication. Example:
Friend 1: "Love you Bestie, thanks for making me cry"
Friend 2: "I am writing on your wall when you are sitting right next me! LOL. Love you bff"
Friend 1: "So glad we watched the Last song together again! I think I cried just as much as I did the first time when we went and saw it."

These wall posts are completely avoidable. Everyone recognizes that you are best friends…..every profile picture you have on your page is the two of you dressed in matching outfits. Every album you post is 20,000 pictures of you together making kissy faces in the bathroom mirror. Don't get me wrong again-- I'm all about shouting out to my best friends on the book-- however, some conversations are meant to be had through SMS. If you think people will be impressed that you have such a dedicated friend, you're wrong--all we're thinking is that you found someone equally as irritating as yourself. When your entire wall is comprised of posts from that one same individual, YOUR BFF, than you are this individual. Branch out! Facebook is your oyster--post on one of your 2,000 other fb friends' walls.

Offense #4: Artistic mobile uploads of meals you have prepared
I get it, you love food, I love food, we all love food. However, when you try to be all artsy fartsy, posting pictures of your half eaten pasta bowls on a dimly lit decorated dining room table, I wonder to myself, who really wants to see this shit? Who is it exactly that you are trying to impress? I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart isn't your facebook friend and if you really were a master chef you probably wouldn’t be snapping photos when you could be eating these self-proclaimed masterpieces. Reserve these pics of your chicken casserole for a private email to your mother instead of posting it on my newsfeed. I bet she'd be so proud. But I don't care.

Offense # 5: Bible Verses/Political Views
We understand- your religion and your view on politics is a part of who you are. However, when you use facebook as a political platform to express your views-- It's usually offensive and unnecessary. Furthermore, when you express these views in your status, your rant is an open invitation for others to comment on it. (But, if and when someone posts information that indeed invalidates your uninformed claim, please don't be a pansy and delete it.) Consider that facebook is not a soapbox, but more like a dinner table: keep it neutral people! Take it to your church, mosque, synagogue, CNN, Young Republicans of America, whatever. But please not tonight at the dinner table.

Well friends, I hope this has been an informative and illuminating tutorial on the use of facebook. We are kind enough to tolerate all of you goobs here on the good book, so please don't abuse it. Follow these simple rules and make the world of fb a better place.