The New Rules of Facebook

I still remember the day like it was yesterday--the day my UCSB email account was officially activated and the next culminating step was logging onto the good book-- finally a chance to meet my future college homies. If anyone can remember back to 2005, this site was all about exclusivity- a website set up for COLLEGE networking only. This site gave us freshies the necessary tools to find that girl who sat in the front of every Econ lecture taking copious notes. Or even better, a chance to laugh at who your roommate sucked face with the night before.

Sadly, the wall has since been torn down and facebook is open to the masses. This phenomenon has lost its elitism only to spread across the entire world-- Congratulations everyone, facebook is available to everyone you've ever known and is now officially ANNOYING. (Reminds me of that scene in Caddy shack where all the non-country club members invade the pool). Why does every aunt, uncle, second cousin, tranny, 3rd grade teacher, soccer coach, and freak I have ever tutored or babysat in my past suddenly have a freaking page? Maybe here the better question is why do these fools feel compelled to seek me out and friend me? And then after accepting these annoyances, I'm bombarded with their ugly mugs and irritating opinions which remind me exactly why we don't speak anymore. With each random friend request, I wonder to myself just why Mark Zuckerberg opened the flood gates.

Which brings me to my point--As long as facebook is open to any and all boneheads, I think it's about time we set up some regulations for bad facebook behavior. I don't mean racy pics or foul language, I mean general idiocy. So, if you are indeed guilty of anything on the list below, consider yourself blocked on my newsfeed.

Offense #1: Daily Activity Statuses.
Explain something to me people, what makes you think anyone cares about your most trivial activities when every other human partakes in them daily? Anything along the lines of "Gym, class, work, laundry, sleep, meals, etc" is NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY and does not warrant broadcasting. I doubt even your own mother cares that you are "folding 2 months of laundry" or "in class alllllll day." The very nature of fb is narcissistic enough, but you kooks take it to a whole other level. If you must write about each detail of your day, take it where you're supposed to, for instance a private diary.

Offense #2: Declarations of love to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/hubby/baby-mama/whatever
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love and romance. However, most statuses involving your other half are the cheesiest posts I have read to date. For example, not exaggerations or lies, straight for your viewing pleasure:
"I love my Stefffy Weffy"
"Scary weather! So glad I've got my hubs around today so I can cuddle with him during the rainstorm!"
"I am the luckiest girl in the world. My boyfriend is sooooo much better than yours!"

Some may call this pessimistic and rude on my part to mock a couple's relationship. In all sincerity, if you were that much in love and into your sweetheart you wouldn't need to include everyone on fb in your relationship. Maybe next time you could make your love more meaningful by sending him a heart felt text for his eyes only. On a related note, changing your last name before your actual wedding ceremony has taken place is beyond creepy. I don't mean to rain on your nuptial parade, but changing your relationship status to "engaged" will suffice and will spare the rest of us an eye roll. Thanks again.

Offense #3: Best friends who spend 24 hours a day together (on fb) and use wall-to-wall as their only form of communication. Example:
Friend 1: "Love you Bestie, thanks for making me cry"
Friend 2: "I am writing on your wall when you are sitting right next me! LOL. Love you bff"
Friend 1: "So glad we watched the Last song together again! I think I cried just as much as I did the first time when we went and saw it."

These wall posts are completely avoidable. Everyone recognizes that you are best friends…..every profile picture you have on your page is the two of you dressed in matching outfits. Every album you post is 20,000 pictures of you together making kissy faces in the bathroom mirror. Don't get me wrong again-- I'm all about shouting out to my best friends on the book-- however, some conversations are meant to be had through SMS. If you think people will be impressed that you have such a dedicated friend, you're wrong--all we're thinking is that you found someone equally as irritating as yourself. When your entire wall is comprised of posts from that one same individual, YOUR BFF, than you are this individual. Branch out! Facebook is your oyster--post on one of your 2,000 other fb friends' walls.

Offense #4: Artistic mobile uploads of meals you have prepared
I get it, you love food, I love food, we all love food. However, when you try to be all artsy fartsy, posting pictures of your half eaten pasta bowls on a dimly lit decorated dining room table, I wonder to myself, who really wants to see this shit? Who is it exactly that you are trying to impress? I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart isn't your facebook friend and if you really were a master chef you probably wouldn’t be snapping photos when you could be eating these self-proclaimed masterpieces. Reserve these pics of your chicken casserole for a private email to your mother instead of posting it on my newsfeed. I bet she'd be so proud. But I don't care.

Offense # 5: Bible Verses/Political Views
We understand- your religion and your view on politics is a part of who you are. However, when you use facebook as a political platform to express your views-- It's usually offensive and unnecessary. Furthermore, when you express these views in your status, your rant is an open invitation for others to comment on it. (But, if and when someone posts information that indeed invalidates your uninformed claim, please don't be a pansy and delete it.) Consider that facebook is not a soapbox, but more like a dinner table: keep it neutral people! Take it to your church, mosque, synagogue, CNN, Young Republicans of America, whatever. But please not tonight at the dinner table.

Well friends, I hope this has been an informative and illuminating tutorial on the use of facebook. We are kind enough to tolerate all of you goobs here on the good book, so please don't abuse it. Follow these simple rules and make the world of fb a better place.