LESS TALK, MORE ACTION.

There’s nothing better than one passionate night with a rando right? WRONG. Let’s be honest, one minute you are throwing back a few brewskies flirting with some cutie at a bar and the next you’re woken up from a blacked out slumber to a sneak attack from behind. How many times must you wonder to yourself, just when did things go wrong? I think any girl besides J Simps pre 98 Degrees can relate to this. For this blog I’d like to thank all my friends—sluts past and present for your contributions. Your sexual escapades continue to light up my life. Thanks for continuing to take the plunge—the one night stand plunge. Also, big thanks to the friends that enable me to make some awful decisions-- don’t worry, I'll keep giving you the go-ahead as well, ya dumb hoes. As regrettable as hooking up with an unidentified stranger may be, let’s be honest--bed time romps are some of the best stories we share. Today we revisit the bedrooms that highlight some of the WORST quotes uttered while in the heat of the moment. I’d also like to give a shout-out to these fine gentlemen for such choice words of wisdom.

Boy: “You’re on birth control right?” (Right as he enters, ready to raw-dog)

Boy: “Have you been thinking about me like this ALLLL Spring break?” (First bone sesh ever, sporadically spanking throughout)

Boy: “I think I’m so awkward because you have the same name as my sister, so can I call you something else.... like,‘THE SHIT’?” (THIS IS NOT A WORK OF FICTION.)

Boy: “So are you going to get naked or what? It’s going to be awkward in the morning when we wake up and I have a boner and you still have your clothes on.” (Needless to say, they didn’t hook up.)

Boy: “Sorry about last time. I thought you would think I’m gay for not having sex with you.”
Girl: “What?”
Boy: “Yea, I was afraid you would think I was gay.”
Girl: “No, no I heard that. I can’t believe you thought I was actually going to have sex with you.”

Boy: (In pump rhythm) “Now....that’s.....what....I......calll.....jealousy......” (Still has no idea what this is in regards to. No mutual friends or ties)

Boy: "Your tan lines are soOOooo sexy." (Then sinks his teeth into a mouthful of ass)

Boy: “Sorry it’s been a while. I imagined that being longer.” (After exploding onto her leg after 2.5 seconds.)

Boy: “HO-LY SHITTTTTT” (As he was pounding relentlessly and she was bored as fuck because he sucked.)

Boy: “You have the SEXIEST lips. And no, I don’t mean the ones on your face.” (Insta-regret)

Boy: “Oh my God, are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok? You can get me back by putting your finger in my butt hole if you want” (After an accidental quick slip into asshole)

Boy: "My friends and I always said the vagina reminds us of the predator" (Then proceeds to growl)

Boy: "Wait - I have a freckle" (Mid hook-up, pointing down to his pee-pee.)

Boy: “What’s up!!!” (After taking her shirt off and fist pounding each bare breast.)

Boy: "Are you crying? (While giving head with a cold. Yea fucker, you’re huge. NOT.)

Boy: “I’m not an ass or tits guy. I’m a vagina guy.” (Said VERY proudly while licking his lips.)

Boy: “You don’t have any STDs, do you?” (After 3 hours of penetration)

Boy: "I have always thought you were really attractive and I like you but it just sucks because we live so far apart." (Lives 30 minutes away)

Boy: "Every time I hear “Use Somebody” or “Everlong” it reminds me of exactly what I want to say to you every time we kiss.” (Ugly guy from work, second time making out. Calm the eff down)

Boy: “You’re going to be really hung over tomorrow aren’t you?” (Duh, I’m belligerent.)

Boy: "Would it be weird if I kissed you?" (Both naked in bed.)

Boy: “I have a silver truck” (Coming up for air while down south.)

Boy: “Have you ever had a guy go down on you?
Girl: “Yes.”
Boy: “Do you want me to?”
Girl: “That’s alright.” (While making out in a station wagon after school)

Boy: “You’re so beautiful naked, you could be a playboy model.”

Boy: “Please stare into my eyes. They put me in a trance.” (Asked, then BEGGED after sex.)

So the next time dawn breaks, and you find yourself in a similar sitch, don’t be so hard on yourself, hunnayy. (And men, when in doubt, just shut the fuck up.) Ladies, always remember that somewhere out there another homegirl has probably had it worse. And after all, if a one-night stand doesn’t build your character then NOTHING will.

The New Rules of Facebook

I still remember the day like it was yesterday--the day my UCSB email account was officially activated and the next culminating step was logging onto the good book-- finally a chance to meet my future college homies. If anyone can remember back to 2005, this site was all about exclusivity- a website set up for COLLEGE networking only. This site gave us freshies the necessary tools to find that girl who sat in the front of every Econ lecture taking copious notes. Or even better, a chance to laugh at who your roommate sucked face with the night before.

Sadly, the wall has since been torn down and facebook is open to the masses. This phenomenon has lost its elitism only to spread across the entire world-- Congratulations everyone, facebook is available to everyone you've ever known and is now officially ANNOYING. (Reminds me of that scene in Caddy shack where all the non-country club members invade the pool). Why does every aunt, uncle, second cousin, tranny, 3rd grade teacher, soccer coach, and freak I have ever tutored or babysat in my past suddenly have a freaking page? Maybe here the better question is why do these fools feel compelled to seek me out and friend me? And then after accepting these annoyances, I'm bombarded with their ugly mugs and irritating opinions which remind me exactly why we don't speak anymore. With each random friend request, I wonder to myself just why Mark Zuckerberg opened the flood gates.

Which brings me to my point--As long as facebook is open to any and all boneheads, I think it's about time we set up some regulations for bad facebook behavior. I don't mean racy pics or foul language, I mean general idiocy. So, if you are indeed guilty of anything on the list below, consider yourself blocked on my newsfeed.

Offense #1: Daily Activity Statuses.
Explain something to me people, what makes you think anyone cares about your most trivial activities when every other human partakes in them daily? Anything along the lines of "Gym, class, work, laundry, sleep, meals, etc" is NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY and does not warrant broadcasting. I doubt even your own mother cares that you are "folding 2 months of laundry" or "in class alllllll day." The very nature of fb is narcissistic enough, but you kooks take it to a whole other level. If you must write about each detail of your day, take it where you're supposed to, for instance a private diary.

Offense #2: Declarations of love to your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/hubby/baby-mama/whatever
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about love and romance. However, most statuses involving your other half are the cheesiest posts I have read to date. For example, not exaggerations or lies, straight for your viewing pleasure:
"I love my Stefffy Weffy"
"Scary weather! So glad I've got my hubs around today so I can cuddle with him during the rainstorm!"
"I am the luckiest girl in the world. My boyfriend is sooooo much better than yours!"

Some may call this pessimistic and rude on my part to mock a couple's relationship. In all sincerity, if you were that much in love and into your sweetheart you wouldn't need to include everyone on fb in your relationship. Maybe next time you could make your love more meaningful by sending him a heart felt text for his eyes only. On a related note, changing your last name before your actual wedding ceremony has taken place is beyond creepy. I don't mean to rain on your nuptial parade, but changing your relationship status to "engaged" will suffice and will spare the rest of us an eye roll. Thanks again.

Offense #3: Best friends who spend 24 hours a day together (on fb) and use wall-to-wall as their only form of communication. Example:
Friend 1: "Love you Bestie, thanks for making me cry"
Friend 2: "I am writing on your wall when you are sitting right next me! LOL. Love you bff"
Friend 1: "So glad we watched the Last song together again! I think I cried just as much as I did the first time when we went and saw it."

These wall posts are completely avoidable. Everyone recognizes that you are best friends…..every profile picture you have on your page is the two of you dressed in matching outfits. Every album you post is 20,000 pictures of you together making kissy faces in the bathroom mirror. Don't get me wrong again-- I'm all about shouting out to my best friends on the book-- however, some conversations are meant to be had through SMS. If you think people will be impressed that you have such a dedicated friend, you're wrong--all we're thinking is that you found someone equally as irritating as yourself. When your entire wall is comprised of posts from that one same individual, YOUR BFF, than you are this individual. Branch out! Facebook is your oyster--post on one of your 2,000 other fb friends' walls.

Offense #4: Artistic mobile uploads of meals you have prepared
I get it, you love food, I love food, we all love food. However, when you try to be all artsy fartsy, posting pictures of your half eaten pasta bowls on a dimly lit decorated dining room table, I wonder to myself, who really wants to see this shit? Who is it exactly that you are trying to impress? I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart isn't your facebook friend and if you really were a master chef you probably wouldn’t be snapping photos when you could be eating these self-proclaimed masterpieces. Reserve these pics of your chicken casserole for a private email to your mother instead of posting it on my newsfeed. I bet she'd be so proud. But I don't care.

Offense # 5: Bible Verses/Political Views
We understand- your religion and your view on politics is a part of who you are. However, when you use facebook as a political platform to express your views-- It's usually offensive and unnecessary. Furthermore, when you express these views in your status, your rant is an open invitation for others to comment on it. (But, if and when someone posts information that indeed invalidates your uninformed claim, please don't be a pansy and delete it.) Consider that facebook is not a soapbox, but more like a dinner table: keep it neutral people! Take it to your church, mosque, synagogue, CNN, Young Republicans of America, whatever. But please not tonight at the dinner table.

Well friends, I hope this has been an informative and illuminating tutorial on the use of facebook. We are kind enough to tolerate all of you goobs here on the good book, so please don't abuse it. Follow these simple rules and make the world of fb a better place.

Go Green!

Today I want to discuss something VERY important. My life has hit new lows. Surprising? I know. Fully clad in business casual at 9pm on a Friday night I found myself in an Atascadero In n Out. Yes, it cuts me deep to admit this out loud. After fighting with a denim beast for a table, I noticed something that disturbed me. It seemed every man, woman, child, he-she, whatever, was pulling out their tomatoes and just plopping them on their trays to be thrown away, never to be seen again. Call me a tomato sympathizer, but would it really be so damn difficult to report to the cashier "no tomato please"?! Ever since last summer's tomato recall, I've felt a new-found admiration for these fruits/vegetables (impressively straddling both worlds).

Then astonishingly enough I realized I was a downright HYPOCRITE. Shocking right? I was one of those hamburger- toppings- wasters as well. Every time my hamburger comes with pickles I toss them aside like useless peasants. Somewhere out there an orphan sits shivering in the cold, his tummy crying out for food, his mind full of salty pickles. Maybe……My point is, in a time where it's fashionable to conserve paper, gas, electricity...why not delicious toppings? And so I ask you my friends, to go green! Green pickles that is, and we can all do our part to conserve our valuable toppings resources. And while you're at it, hold the tomato. Thanks.

Poor Nana

The other day I met with an old guy friend for coffee. As I'm sipping on my latte, trying to keep the peace/conversation going, he decides to ask me why I "dress like a grandma now." Let me provide a visual: We're at Starbucks. It's 6pm. I am wearing a blue tee, cardigan, and freaking white skinny jeans. I'm pretty sure this outfit is standard coffee house garb. But thanks pal, my life had now hit a new low-- age 22 and geriatric.

After this extreme blow to the ego, I decide to do the mature thing and peruse this guy's facebook. I know, curiosity killed the Chal, but whatever. I hit gold. Apparently this guy spends his time hanging out and snapping photos with Snookie's long lost twin. Yes my friends, you heard right, Jersey Shore's finest has made her west coast debut. At this point, it all made sense: the guy just didn't understand why any girl would wear clothes that covered her thighs/breasts/anything. Mystery solved. But my mistake was taking his judgment seriously in the first place. I heard through the grapevine that this "friend" is currently unemployed and sleeping on his parent's blow-up mattress.

Need I say more? Grandma does NOT approve.

Forever be in your hearts and your inbox

I have to come clean. I am your friend/enemy/occasional entertainer/time waster. I am the office email forwarder. Yes, you either love me or HATE ME. You either crack up at the forward or demand your five minutes back. I will never forget the day I logged onto the good book and peeped my best friend's status: "You know you've graduated college when your friends constantly send you chain emails ALL DAY LONG." This was undoubtedly directed at me. I'm not in denial, I'm completely aware of my constant presence in your inbox. Proud of it even. The response to this comment was equally amusing: "Welcome to the wonderful world of 40+ hour weeks. I promise it gets better."

Um really, it gets better? I'm still waiting... I think it only gets worse. I like to think my chain emails are the only things that keep some people going. (At least for those participating in the current legal form of slavery, aka public accounting) Another reaction was less encouraging "I don’t think she even works. 4 in one day?" This set me off. I do work, but I definitely "prioritize" my time to send out these little diddies. Sorry I'm not sorry. But I go nowhere where I'm not appreciated, so I politely offered to remove all these ingrates and shit-talkers from my email list. And then the truth comes out. These fools admit their affection for my constant forwards and crumble at the thought of being deleted.

My other pal then brings up a great point. "At least they aren't the ones that if you don't forward them to 20 of your closest friends, you will never find true love, etc. Those ones stress me out." Yeah duh peeps. I'm already superstitious enough. At the ripe age of 22 with new instilled fears of being the next cat lady or the aunt that buys all her nieces and nephews gifts every holiday because she has no kids of her own. Sorry, thanks but no thanks. The last thing I need is an irrational chain email I sent out effing things up for me and my HUGE life plans. Then the last reply on this status makes me brim in happiness.
"Chal's chain emails are a true ray of sunshine and cheer on a dismal Monday at the office." Thank you. So either read them, have a little chuckle, or just delete them (if you suck). I don't care, your loss not mine. And if I'm your link and you're indeed another "office email forwarder" all the power to you. I am honored to be your enabler. May I forever be in your hearts and your inbox.

UCSB is the best college. Ever.

Well ladies and gents, the blog is back and in full force. After returning from a bittersweet, unforgettable weekend in Santa Barb for fiesta I started reminiscing about how lucky I really was for four years. For this post, I have combined forces with Grandma Katzy, a fantastic blogger herself and future Stanford Graduate school slut, to discuss a topic close to our hearts: why UCSB rules and how other UC alumni wish they were us. Though many played a hand in this piece of bloggin’ gold, we’d like to dedicate it to a few gaucho rejects near and dear to us: My nugget little sister, Katzy's twin brosef, and everyone that went to Cal Poly.

First off, you SB haters brought this post upon yourselves. Though we’ve had some good times on your campuses, we can’t handle one more self-indulgent, pompous remark on how UCSB is “wayyy too much of a party school.” Furthermore, we’re sick and tired of the idiotic rationalization that, since you party “SoOOoo much” as it is, you would’ve “died” at UCSB. This is verbal vomit and we don’t appreciate it. Nonetheless, we’re sensible gals, and everyone knows that two wrongs make a right…right? So since you insist on sharing your opinions on SB whenever you get the chance, we’ve decided to put social graces aside and speak our minds about YOUR alma maters:

UC Berkeley: Get out of that Oak tree right now. Your 10-man naked protest ended 3 days ago.
UCLA: Just because you live near Hollywood doesn’t make you cool. We may not have known you in high school, but someone else did, and they know your secret: you were once AND STILL ARE a nerdy piece of shit.
UC San Diego: UCLA’s rejects. And everyone knows it.
UC Santa Cruz: Trees… too many FUCKING trees. Also, we’d like to challenge you to lay off any discussion of the reef for 2 minutes.
UC Irvine: Partying at Orange County's hottest shopping center, the Spectrum, with 5'5 Asian hotties is just not our cup of boba tea.
UC Davis: Let’s go cow-tipping. And no this is not a major rager with your so-called "hottest" sorority. And Picnic day, your most celebrated day of the year….Did I really just drive six hours for a typical Saturday in Isla Vista?
UC Riverside and Merced: So easy, so cheesy, but we can’t help ourselves…you’re UCs? We hope you got your entire tuition paid for to even consider going to either of these places.

We can predict your rebuttals already. As we’ve said, there’s the go-to “Isla Vista’s so crazy, how do you ever get any work done there?” We know, we know…. it seems nearly impossible to study when you look outside your right window and see the beach, or look out your front window and see a poppin' party. However, we're well rounded individuals and know how to work hard AND play hard.
And if you feel the need to be an even bigger bitch, you’ll point to the supposed high density of IV sluts and STDs. So let us not equivocate--we were no sluttier than you were (just better looking) and the amount of STDs on our campus is equal to the national university average. To see the actual numbers, look here

But if a UCSB grad is being honest, he or she knows where these stereotypes come from. So to those responsible, we’d like to issue a special note of thanks:

Thank you, Santa Barbara City College students, for roofying my sorority sisters, crowding the Starbucks line, cluttering IV with your strawberry scented Jettas, and leaving Adderall in your medicine cabinet so friends could steal it away. Further thanks, you wanna-be Gauchos, for inviting your Rastafarian van-living friends to every single festival and holiday celebrated in the town of Isla Vista. It was just fabulous biking to the library and having one of your friends nearly hit Katzy in the face with his puke before stumbling off a balcony. It was a further delight when you scoundrels went to my house, drank my fresh brews, changed my iPod playlists, and stole my house's Snoop and Pac poster straight off the wall. TWICE!!!!!

But in the interest of full disclosure, you SBCC kids weren’t all bad. Once you were actually admitted to UCSB, you lowered class curves and made us feel smart. In addition, your arrests mentioned in the Police Blotter in our daily newspaper gave us plenty of chuckles. Also, your muscles (usually peaking from under DISGUSTING cut-off tees), were nice to peep at from our Rec Cen ellipticals. So as much grief as you gave us, we kindaaa liked you guys and we’re glad you were there with us, living up the glory that is IV.

We’d like to conclude this post with two major take-aways: First, UCSB rules, and if the numbers are any indication, we have the most students that leave satisfied of any UC. According to US News America’s Best Colleges 2009, more UCSB alums donate to their university than any other UC (Berkeley, the runner-up, was a full 5% behind). Second, it’s obvious that every school includes its goofs, goons, bros, drunks, nerds, turds, and CC miscreants. The minute you accept this and quit being a pretentious sack of poop, we’ll return the favor. Until then, we’re graduates of a virtual island in higher education: The University of Casual Sex and Beer. Come love us.