No Money, Mo Problems

Every morning at 6am I roll over to the obnoxious noise of my alarm. How ridiculous is it that I have to wake up at this ungodly hour to go to work, especially after a 4 month vacation. Life is NOT FAIR. After wailing in exhaustion, I peer wearily at my right hand man-- no gal pals, don’t get excited, I am STILL not exclusively dating anyone--I am talking about my counterpart, my golden key to the outside world, my loyal sidekick, my friend that follows me everywhere……….my precious blackberry.

Every morning through blurred vision, I scan my mini-feed to get updated on all the interesting things that occurred since I went to bed, as well as any precious tweets that have been written.

If I am lucky, a friend has posted on my wall.

If I am fortunate, a friend has tagged me in FLATTERING photos.

If I have struck GOLD, I have been retweeted. But friends, that’s like reaching for the stars.

However, most mornings, not much has happened and no one has said anything funny OR interesting. Surprise, surprise! Instead, I roll out of a deep slumber only to be woken by SPAM. Yes, you all probably know it well…….

COUPONS, COUPONS, AND MORE COUPONS.

Buy this Chal….. Buy that. BUY ME, BUY ME, BUY ME!

Buy cheap laser hair removal for the possibility to have the smoothest legs imaginable.

Buy a coupon for a delicious Jewish deli—only a hop, skip and jump away from you at half the price.

Buy tickets to a Britney Spears Concert for TWENTY MEASLY DOLLARS?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! How can such great entertainment be priced at such an insignificant cost!?!?

And every morning I must read these coupons, be enticed, and delete them ALL. Don’t get me wrong—it’s not the barrage of emails that pisses me off, it’s the empty pockets that make these deals salt in my open wound. Why you ask? For now, my Wells Fargo Account will not permit it. Funemployment, though you were immensely fun while you lasted, you have drained me to the core…… and now, sadly, I can’t even afford luxury goods at decent prices. I don’t need deals, I need HANDOUTS.....cause you know what, I do really need that discounted $600 helicopter ride....