A Few Things I'm Not Afraid to Admit

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I'm not afraid to admit that I got star struck when I met Monica Lewinsky. Shut up.... it’s not every day you get to meet a woman who got famous purely by sucking the President of the United States' ween.

Most importantly, I'll admit that I still think Lindsay Lohan will make a big comeback. I get it-- it's hard to rise above alcoholism, drugs, and a quick stint in lesbianism.... but my girl Linds will do it! LL is NOT gone for good. Mark.my.words. Everyone needs someone in their corner.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've never kissed a girl...and contrary to popular belief, I know I will NOT like it. For those of you who do this for male attention, I think you might have bigger issues......

I'm not afraid to admit I was once infatuated with a guy who had a girlfriend...so I had to settle and hook up with his less hot, not funny, best friend/roommate instead. Hey, sometimes you have to drive a Mazda before you can upgrade to a Benz OK? One day ill ride in that better whip alright?

I'm not afraid to admit that I judge people on their Ipod Selection. Music tells a lot about a person. Usually, how much I dislike them, don't want to spend time with them on the weekends, etc....

I'm not afraid to admit my main current news source is Twitter. Don’t judge me. With only 140 characters, headlines get straight to the point!

I'm not afraid to admit when I'm on the freeway and I see a shitty Tercel trying to cut me off, I speed up. When I see a Range Rover, I kindly break and let them go ahead. Class hierarchies are to be respected, even on the road!

I'm not afraid to admit that the only black peen I've ever seen was of a homeless man in the Tenderloin. And let me tell you my friends, it was indeed a.... tender...loin.

I'm not afraid to admit I hate tattoos. I've never seen one and thought "Oh my God that’s sooooo cute" or "wow that's meaningful, you definitely needed that to be permanently etched onto your body!!" Plus my mom told me if I ever got one I'd be written out of her will.
Money > tattoos.
FUN FACT: SOMEONE WITH TATTOOS MAKES LESS MONEY THAN PEOPLE WITHOUT. And I don't know about you, but I like money.

I'm not afraid to admit I have a lucky pair of pink lace hanky pankies. I don't know what it is about them but every time I wear them, I seem to hookup. On second thought.....maybe they are only lucky because I use them as an excuse to pounce on men when intoxicated.

I'm not afraid to admit that I think our first shuttle to Mars should be filled with homeless people. MARS, THE NEW AUSTRALIA.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've never hit below double-digits at the salad bar at Whole Foods. Just standing near the salad bar makes me feel healthier. What is weighing my salad down is between me and my friendly local hipster cashier.....ok?

I'm not afraid to admit I have the Bieber fever. Do not knock this current day phenomenon until you've seen the 3D movie or met the boy in person. With an outstanding work ethic, charming personality, and loyalty to his fans you should like him too. No one is immune.

I'm not afraid to admit if you're one of those guys who shows up at a party with your acoustic guitar to serenade the girls of the crowd, I'm not impressed. Good for you! Please leave your musical talents elsewhere, or better yet for some bonfire. Don't take them near me.

These are some of my inner thoughts- take them or leave them.

10 Ways to Spice Up This Year's Thanksgiving

   

1. Tell your entire extended family that the theme is the "First

Thanksgiving." When someone shows up dressed as a pilgrim and not
 an Indian accuse them of being a racist.

2. Turn this year's pot luck...into a "POT" luck. Not only will
everyone be hungry, they will be quieter which allows for less painful
discussion.

3. Pumpkin pie someone in the face. Preferably who will cry the most.

4. Start drinking games at the dinner table, ie: "Never Have I Ever". Find
out that your parents have done more scandalous things than you have
ever imagined doing yourself!

5. Lock all the bathroom doors. Make it a true thanksgiving like the
pilgrims had.

6. Casually bring up how the pilgrims mistreated the Indians by killing them and unlawfully taking their land. Refuse to eat as a statement.

7. Secretly put X lax into the dish you hate the most. Sit back and laugh while everyone runs to the nearest bathroom.

8. Start a food fight- however, establish a rule of only turkey legs allowed. Watch as everyone battles to the death.

9. Bring your resume and pass it out to all your relatives and friends. In this economy, every holiday is now a chance to network.

10. Sharpen every knife you have in the house before dinner in front of all guests (including Swiss and butter knives). Tell everyone its necessary in order to carve the turkey with precision.